Join Lori as she shares a helpful script to use when speaking the truth in love to your disciple and reasons NOT to confront a person about an issue.
INTRO: Hi Everyone, this is Lori Joiner from LJM Ministries. Welcome to my Podcast where we talk practically about all things discipleship related such as where to find people to disciple, what do to on a typical discipleship appointment, and how to help our disciples grow in Christ. Whether you are just starting out or looking to sharpen your discipleship skills, you are in the right place!
START: Hey friends, it’s Lori Joiner, your discipleship coach!
In Part 1 of this series, we talked about 5 elements to keep in mind when talking to your disciple about a particular issue that may be hindering their growth in Christ. In today’s podcast, I will share a sample script I use, along with advice when NOT to confront.
When I begin this conversation with a woman I am discipling, I always begin on a positive note. Share with her something I am proud of her for and affirm her in some specific way. Such as a recent step of faith she took, her readiness to learn, or of the single act of bringing a spiritually lost friend to church. Then segue into the truth, always speaking in love. This is my script and my segue-
“Since we’ve begun meeting for discipleship and getting to know each other, there’s something I’ve noticed I wanted to bring to your attention. It’s hard for me to bring this up because I care about you and don’t want to hurt your feelings. However, because I’m committed to your growth in every area of life, I didn’t want to put off talking about this with you. Over the past _____________ (time period) I’ve noticed that you____________ (fill in the blank).”
Not only do you want to share the truth in love, but you also need to genuinely help them change for the better. I remember talking with Cheryl about the critical way she spoke to others. I reminded her of a recent incident in which we brainstormed for an upcoming event. At one point she replied to another woman’s comment with, “That’s a stupid idea.”
I gently explained that in the future she could suggest a different idea or say nothing at all. It is not enough to just tell them the truth; help them make the necessary changes. And remember to be specific as you talk. Whatever the issue is, it will be a challenging conversation. But skirting around the real issue won’t help your disciple. It will likely confuse them more.
Knowing when to address an issue and when to keep quiet will take some experience. This list below can help you know when NOT to say anything.
Do not confront a person unless:
1. You’ve prayed about the issue and for the woman. I mentioned this in the last podcast, part 1 in this series. Unless you have spent a significant amount of time praying do not confront. You need to hear God’s wisdom in your wording and tone and you needed his wisdom on timing as well. This conversation will be challenging, not having God in the lead will make it much more difficult.
2. Your motivation is love, grace, and their continued growth. What is your motive? Do you see them being a leader, a discipler, a small group leader, an evangelist? As a discipler you have faith for them, you can see potential that they may not even see yet. You need to speak that into them, give them hope and eyes for the future! In that vein-their growth is your motivation. Any other motive may be short-sighted.
3. You can clearly identify a specific problem. Notice the word specific. What is it exactly you are going to talk to them about? Is it the use of social media? Is it alcohol addiction? An eating disorder? Do they interrupt people, wear revealing clothes? I have had each of these conversations and others and you need to be specific. Generalities leave too much to the imagination and are not helpful.
4. You have at least one specific example to back up your concern. When I needed to talk to a gal I was discipling when I was in college ministry about a suspected eating disorder, I had several specific examples to bring to her. She would pile her plate of food then sneak off and dump it all in the trash. Her roommate told me she was only eating tuna and lettuce for multiple meals on end, and she often wore extremely baggy clothes to hide her shrinking frame. You need specific examples. If you don’t have any, don’t bring the issue up yet. You won’t get very far.
5. You’re ready to help her change. You have pre-thought through how she can change. You may be suggesting counseling and maybe even took the initiative to set something up for her. That is what I did as a first step with the gad I talked to about her suspected eating disorder. There was a woman at our church I knew could help her to some extent and set the appointment up and for her. Perhaps you can give her some advice like asking more questions if she tends to talk over people or talk at length without letting others share in Bible study.
The two gals I confronted about their clothes being revealing I shared with them about simply wearing a thin undershirt under their tops to bring a step of modesty to their outfits. I will tell you that was one of the scariest confrontations I have ever had because as you can imagine clothes are a grey area. And everyone has different tastes and body types. But I will tell you both of these women have specifically thanked me for this conversation. While they were very put off at first they both realized that they were up and coming leaders in ministry and so many young women looked up to them.
6. You are certain YOU are not the one with an issue. Do not confront someone if something just gets on your nerves. Because that is a matter of preference. Do not confront someone just because that is not how YOU would do something. Do not confront people on items of taste and opinion. That is why, having these other items I have already listed in place are so important-as you will sometimes realize you are the one with an issue that needs to be adjusted, not them. At times, you simply need to ask God to help you have grace and love for the person and hold your tongue.
Question of the week: Which one of the items I listed above do you feel was missing when you may have been confronted in the past? What will you do to ensure you don’t make a similar mistake?
Keeping it real moment:
Shared a story about being confronted by a friend about bitterness.
Being confronted with blind spots in my life has helped me grow, mature, and minister to others more effectively. This is a necessary part of discipleship relationships — or any friendships, for that matter. Don’t put off talking with someone and speaking the truth in love. They’ll thank you for it later, just as I have thanked those who have pointed out my blind spots over the years!
If you desire more information on this topic as well as other scripts to use please see my book Discipling Women. You can find it at: LoriJoinerMinistries.org.
Pray.